The shuffle feature has to be one of my favorite features on itunes. You never know what is going to play next and often times I am re-introduced to a song that I had forgotten about and the memories that it carries with it. Or I hear a song that I have not forgotten, but it is good to be reminded of. In this case it was the song "Take My Life (And Let It Be)" by Chris Tomlin. If you have never listened to it before I strongly suggest that you download it. It is a song which is inspiring, humbling, convicting...all at the same time.

"Here I am, ALL of me" is part of the chorus and it is this line that started me thinking tonight. Why is it so hard for me to say "take all of me Lord"? It scares me to give all of myself to Him, many times because I have given so much of myself to others and I wonder 1) how/what could He do with me 2) is there anything of my that has not already been given to someone else and 3) what if I fail Him ...again. I want to be able to say "Lord, take all of me" and hold nothing back. I wish I could pry the cold bars of fear, control, anger and rebellion away from my heart so that they will never return. I have tried in the past (some more genuine attempts than others) to do this and I will succeed temporarily, but I let these thoughts and feelings creep back in. As I sit here I feel ashamed of myself, I call myself a Christian, yet Christ does not have all of me...simply because I am afraid to give him all of me.

My mom pointed out to me the other day that instead of asking "why is it so hard to be satisfied with God?" maybe I should ask "why am I satisfied with anything other than Him?" I have to say that I had never really thought about it from that perspective before. Most of the time I have been angry at God because of my own failures...as if to say: I thought it was God's responsibility to make me so in love with him that I would never fall in love with anything else. I see that this is not the focus I need to have but rather I need to ask why I seek to find happiness and fulfillment in anything other that Him. So I have been thinking about this a lot lately and maybe someday I will be brave and post my thoughts on what I seek satisfaction in other than Him.

A lot of times I picture how I feel in my head. I am by no means artistic, but when I have thoughts or feeling they are usually accompanied by a picture or snippet in my mind of and action or situation (if that makes any sense at all). In this case I am standing before God with arms lifted up and my mouth open to cry out "you can have all of me!" My heart is beating faster and I want words to come out but nothing will because in my shadow is a smaller version of me cowering and holding onto this little locked box of things I do not want to give to God. So for tonight that is where I am...maybe someday that picture can change.