The shuffle feature has to be one of my favorite features on itunes. You never know what is going to play next and often times I am re-introduced to a song that I had forgotten about and the memories that it carries with it. Or I hear a song that I have not forgotten, but it is good to be reminded of. In this case it was the song "Take My Life (And Let It Be)" by Chris Tomlin. If you have never listened to it before I strongly suggest that you download it. It is a song which is inspiring, humbling, convicting...all at the same time.
"Here I am, ALL of me" is part of the chorus and it is this line that started me thinking tonight. Why is it so hard for me to say "take all of me Lord"? It scares me to give all of myself to Him, many times because I have given so much of myself to others and I wonder 1) how/what could He do with me 2) is there anything of my that has not already been given to someone else and 3) what if I fail Him ...again. I want to be able to say "Lord, take all of me" and hold nothing back. I wish I could pry the cold bars of fear, control, anger and rebellion away from my heart so that they will never return. I have tried in the past (some more genuine attempts than others) to do this and I will succeed temporarily, but I let these thoughts and feelings creep back in. As I sit here I feel ashamed of myself, I call myself a Christian, yet Christ does not have all of me...simply because I am afraid to give him all of me.
My mom pointed out to me the other day that instead of asking "why is it so hard to be satisfied with God?" maybe I should ask "why am I satisfied with anything other than Him?" I have to say that I had never really thought about it from that perspective before. Most of the time I have been angry at God because of my own failures...as if to say: I thought it was God's responsibility to make me so in love with him that I would never fall in love with anything else. I see that this is not the focus I need to have but rather I need to ask why I seek to find happiness and fulfillment in anything other that Him. So I have been thinking about this a lot lately and maybe someday I will be brave and post my thoughts on what I seek satisfaction in other than Him.
A lot of times I picture how I feel in my head. I am by no means artistic, but when I have thoughts or feeling they are usually accompanied by a picture or snippet in my mind of and action or situation (if that makes any sense at all). In this case I am standing before God with arms lifted up and my mouth open to cry out "you can have all of me!" My heart is beating faster and I want words to come out but nothing will because in my shadow is a smaller version of me cowering and holding onto this little locked box of things I do not want to give to God. So for tonight that is where I am...maybe someday that picture can change.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day Musings
So having been on this blog thing for about 4 or 5 days now I have discovered (mostly from reading other people's blogs) that I do not like to write about random stuff. Since I am new to this whole blogging business, and since I didn't even read blogs till I started my own I have been reading others to see what they write about...and so far I have come across a whole gamut (sp?) of topics. To be totally honest some of the things people say are so random and trivial that I do not get why they write them in the first place, but at the same time others may think the same thing about me so I really have no room to talk!
Now that I have gone on a rant about people writing random things I am going to finish this post off by writing my own list of random thoughts:
1. Today is mother's day and I am extremely thankful for my own mom.
2. I cannot wait to be a mom myself!
3. In 3 days I will finally be able to say that I am a senior in college...school is almost over and I am so excited!!!!!
4. I do not know if I like blogging...it is kind of like letting people read your journal...weird
Now that I have gone on a rant about people writing random things I am going to finish this post off by writing my own list of random thoughts:
1. Today is mother's day and I am extremely thankful for my own mom.
2. I cannot wait to be a mom myself!
3. In 3 days I will finally be able to say that I am a senior in college...school is almost over and I am so excited!!!!!
4. I do not know if I like blogging...it is kind of like letting people read your journal...weird
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Ps 42
As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me,
“Where is your God?”
When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go with the multitude;
I went with them to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and praise,
With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.
O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
And from the heights of Hermon,
From the Hill Mizar.
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me—
A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
This Psalm has been the cry of my heart over the past few months "Why are you downcast O my soul? An why are you disquieted within me?!" Why do we go through times of spiritual struggle where God feels far away? I know the he has promises to never leave us or forsake those who are his children, and he also promises to never give us more than we can bear, but I have had to constantly remind myself of those things. My walk with God has been a struggle at best for the past few months and I have found myself jealous of those who seem to love Jesus with a passion that overcomes their life. I want my soul to pant for the Lord as much as I want water after I run...even more! But more often I coast through life unsatisfied and not knowing what to do about that.
This seems like a very depressing first post...hopefully they will get better from here! On the other hand I have this horrible habit of holding all of these thoughts inside when I really should tell them to others, so that is what I am doing. Even if only one person ever reads this it is one step closer to opening up about myself and the struggles and joys that I have.
So pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me,
“Where is your God?”
When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go with the multitude;
I went with them to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and praise,
With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.
O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
And from the heights of Hermon,
From the Hill Mizar.
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me—
A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
This Psalm has been the cry of my heart over the past few months "Why are you downcast O my soul? An why are you disquieted within me?!" Why do we go through times of spiritual struggle where God feels far away? I know the he has promises to never leave us or forsake those who are his children, and he also promises to never give us more than we can bear, but I have had to constantly remind myself of those things. My walk with God has been a struggle at best for the past few months and I have found myself jealous of those who seem to love Jesus with a passion that overcomes their life. I want my soul to pant for the Lord as much as I want water after I run...even more! But more often I coast through life unsatisfied and not knowing what to do about that.
This seems like a very depressing first post...hopefully they will get better from here! On the other hand I have this horrible habit of holding all of these thoughts inside when I really should tell them to others, so that is what I am doing. Even if only one person ever reads this it is one step closer to opening up about myself and the struggles and joys that I have.
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